9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
What do you hear?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now