9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex: