Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious