9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I love it all
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order