Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Yes

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.