Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target