9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
