9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.