9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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Hell yeah 👍
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Become a minion. Get that bread.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.