9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*