9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.