Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in