9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Camping tip: No.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.