9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.