9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Great acting.. 😂
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.