9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man