9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Florida man
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.