@theshantilly

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

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@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@CauseWereGuys

My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@WildeThingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.