9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape