9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Her: I’m going to the gym
Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?