9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Planet of the Apps.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?