Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

The three genders.

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie