9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Already got one
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?