Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.