Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Only Americans understand

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.