9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Gods work.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.