9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
Sell your car
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people