9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
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every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
These 3D printers are insane!
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.