Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

🤣🤣

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

everyone has that one prude friend

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie