[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you