[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
new career option?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
