[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
What personal space?
My dog
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*