[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Gas station lines at 2 am:
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.