9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.