Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

NOT all policemen are strippers.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.