9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.