9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The Eggorcist
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
According to math, I’m broke
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.