Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Mouse

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.