Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?