Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.