Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Doggies just call it style.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.