Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”