Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon