9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park