9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
concern
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
🚲+physics = winner
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
being a writer on Twitter: