Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

i wish we could shoplift online

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.