Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.