Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!