9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?