9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.