Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.