Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife