Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

This bar smells like my childhood.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.