Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*