Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals