Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler