Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.