9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
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They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break