9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.