9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
“No way.” -Jose
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.