9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
