9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
The sacred texts.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.