9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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not for long
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.