9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.