9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe