[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Generation gap…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?