[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Has science gone too far?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.