Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.