Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Seems a bit forward

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”