If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling