@iwearaonesie

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

You Might Also Like

@KaysNH

If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”

@bananagrvyrd

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@Doughbvy

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@rolldiggity

Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

@weinerdog4life

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’