@iwearaonesie

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

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@InternetHippo

OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!

ME: OMG *clutches guns*

[7 years later]

ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever

@awordforaword

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

@hadafewbeers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

@mommajessiec

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

@forcemajeure40

Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.

So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.

@ljoywilliams

Seriously hackers, y’all gotta do better. I don’t need leaks from HBO, I need my student loan balance reduced to $12

@jnapsalot

Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: