9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho