Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Today’s Times

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met