9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
#Caturday
