Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

🙅🏻

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.