Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

he chose this

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?